Colorado Family Law: How to Prepare Your Children for Divorce
No matter how long you've been together, divorce can be an emotionally painful experience, especially when there are children involved. Between handling the parenting time arrangements, dividing up the children's belongings between two homes, and worrying about how everyone will fare, this process can be tough on everyone involved.
Naturally, your top concern during your divorce is your children.
With careful planning, you can handle this in a way that keeps your children feeling loved, safe and secure. To prepare your children for divorce, take a look at the steps outlined below.
The question of how to tell your children that you are getting a divorce is one best asked of a psychologist or therapist. Lawyers are not trained in this area, but experienced lawyers certainly learn from that experience.
I urge you to remember one thing: Your children know far more about your relationship with the other parent than you think they do, and they know far less than what they think they do.
Tell the Children After You've Filed in an Appropriate Way and Place
There's no magic date on which you should let your children know you are getting divorced. However, it is better to tell them once you've already filed and the ball is rolling. You and your spouse could change your minds and going back and forth will confuse your kids and eat away at their sense of stability.
Set a specific time and place for the announcement, and talk with your spouse about it beforehand, so you are on the same page and using the same language. Make sure that they are not distracted or uncomfortable when you talk. A quiet spot in the family home, for example, can help set a calmer tone.
You'll want to give them time to process this news, too, so don't plan on telling them on a morning before school or a soccer game. You want them to have at least a few hours after hearing the news before they have to do anything else.
Last but not least, be prepared to emphasize that it is not the children's fault in any way. Your children may blame the divorce on themselves, and that type of misplaced guilt can have a serious impact on their emotional well-being.
Be Ready to Handle Their Response
You may think your children will be confused, angry, or hurt when they hear about the divorce, but there is no way of knowing just how they will react, and there are no "right" answers here. Give your children the space to have and express whatever their feelings are about the divorce.
Don't forget to ask them about how they feel. Sometimes, children may struggle to express their emotions after learning about their parents' divorce, so your questions can help them express what they are feeling. You should ask them how they feel about the family structure changes, but do not make them feel that this decision is theirs. It is an adult decision, and the pressure should never be put on a child.
Last but certainly not least, be ready to accept that they may not view the divorce the same way that you do. It's important to let your kids tell you their main worries instead of prodding them to project your own fears. The concept of a divorce may be more challenging for younger children to grasp, so their concerns may surround aspects such as who will pick them up from school and where their stuffed animals are going to live. These concerns are still genuine and valid, even though they may not match your own.
Have Help Lined Up Beforehand
Prepare in advance by speaking to a trained counselor, such as a therapist. A professional can advise you on talking to your kids about the divorce and handling the announcement.
It may also be worthwhile to have your children attend counseling sessions to help them process their emotions. Since a therapist is a neutral third party, your children may be more comfortable telling him or about their struggles. During a divorce, it's natural for children to be concerned that expressing certain emotions will make you or the other parent feel bad, angry, or upset. They may be able to talk more freely with a therapist.
Let the important people in your children's lives, such as their teachers and doctor, know about the divorce. These individuals don't need all the details, but they need to understand what is going on. This way, if your child starts displaying unusual or new behavior, they will have an idea of the underlying cause is and can inform you right away.
Set the Tone
Pay close attention to this one. It is one of the most common post-decree problems that arise, and the effect on your children can be massive.
Don't speak negatively about your children's other parent in front of them or when they are within earshot. You need to set a positive example here with your behavior. When you talk badly of your co-parent, no matter how justified, you can make your children feel guilty about loving that parent. No child should ever be made to feel bad because he or she loves his or her parent or as though he or she must choose "sides" in a divorce.